finding the flow

At the best of times running can be beautiful. I dare not say what running can be at the worst of times... I have found that the hardest thing about any run is making it out of the front door. I often beat up on myself for a ' bad' run, for not finding my natural running rhythm, or for just being slow... How silly can I be? What it comes down to is that I was the one that had the balls to leave the house. On a cold a cold winter morning, or night for that matter, I drag myself out of the house. There are a million other things that I could be doing, but I make the choice.
Tonight on my run I did not have the stress release that I was looking for. This release was the only thing that I was looking for. I am restless. I am tired. I am angry. I wanted to release all of those feelings tonight. None of that happened. I know that it is because I need to understand why I have these feelings before pounding them out on the pavement. I guess at times we need to work out the problem before we can truly dismiss it. At times I am lucky enough to fix my problems during my run. This, of course is not a luxury on every run. I guess deep down I know exactly why I have these feelings.. I am just not strong enough to confront them.

12kkm in the pouring rain :(

Oh my gosh a lot has happened since I last wrote! I had to take two weeks off of running due to surgery, among other things... I got a new job that I will be starting in the New Year. I have no idea if this will benefit my running, or if it will kill me..EEP!
The short version of the story is that a lot has been happening in my life. From injury, to illness, to a new job...The list just seems to be getting longer. I suppose that is what happens at this time of year.
Today was a 12km run with our GTS. It was horrible... HORRIBLE. Megan was having problems with her knees. At km 9 she literally buckled over in pain and started crying. I felt so horrible for her, as I know just how rough knee injuries can be. Needless to say we walked back to our starting point.. 3kms in the pouring rain. I don't think I have ever been colder. Having to walk in the cold after a run is quite possibly the worst thing ever. As bad as it was for me to be walking it was probably much worse for Megan. I really hope that her knee starts feeling better!

First TNT run.

We had our first Team in Training group run today. I felt like death! I still have this horrible cold, but didn't want to miss out on our first run. I had a great deal of lung butter, and felt like my feet weighed 100 pounds each. I guess all runs cannot be magical...and there are no doubts that this run was in NO way magical.

This friday will be my first fundraiser.. I am actually really nervous for it. I am concerned that nobody will come, that it will not be profitable and that I will look like a loser. Ok, so I understand that I am being a bit melodramatic about this whole situation. I have no idea why I get so worried when I plan events, but I do. When I was growing up I would always make my mom wait outside of wherever she dropped me off. Even if I was going to my best friends house, I would ask her to wait, just in the even that she was bailing on our plans. This , of course never happened. I am sure that the fundraiser will go very well, I am sure that I have nothing to worry about..... but.....

Fundraising update:

As of right now I am sitting at $20.00. One of my mothers friends gave me a $20.00 and wrote a message on it. It was the perfect first donation. I will update my blog with what we make at the pub night fundraiser.. Ultimate goal of 7500.00.

I finished my first half marathon!

I did it! I actually finished my first half marathon. Megan, Aaron and myself all did it together.. A total of 21km. We finished in two hours and sixteen minutes. I was really proud of that time. The next race we will do will probably be Paris..

Cheers to that :)

excited for the weekend.

I cannot sleep... I am overly excited for this weekend. This weekend will be the longest run that I have ever gone on. Not only that, but as soon as I cross the finish line, some nice volunteer will hand me a medal! It has only been a few weeks since Megan and I signed up, and it is all that I think about now. I guess you could say that I am obsessed with running this half marathon, and even more crazy about going to Paris with Team in Training.
On the whole Team in Training note.. I have having my very first fundraiser at the end of this month. This is a great thing, as I am currently sitting at a big ol' "O" in terms of donations. I am hosting a pub night... Standard fare with a nice 50/50 draw and a toonie toss. I am hoping that I will be able to raise at least 1000.00 towards my fundraising goal of 6500.00 . When I first signed up I said that I was not afraid of the fundraising goal.. Turns out that now I am terrified of it... Wish me luck!

15k!

Today I ran 15km with Megan. Wow, so proud of both of us. It started out as a group run, and ended with Megan and myself. Four girls left downtown as a group, we all agreed upon a slow, long run, clearly that did not work out. The two other girls that came with us decided to take off like they were being chased by the police. They ran, and sadly did not look back. Clearly they did not understand the concept of a group run. I felt horrible about the run. Megan was concered that she was holding me back, she was feeling ill and not thrilled to be running. It made me furious that the two girls took off! Enough of them though.
What happened once Megan and I were on our own was amazing. Megan was a trooper, despite the fact that she was feeling ill. It was an awesome run, slightly raining the entire time. This slight mist was good for keeping us cool, and gave us a beautiful rainbow at km 12. Just the push that we needed to make it to 15.
I now know what it feels like to go on a ' long ' run. The mind gives up before the body. It is all mental. If you can run 5km, you can run 15. It turns out that it is all in your mind. When Megan said that she was done. I told her she could do it, and of course she could. I have no doubt that we can do a half marathon next weekend. After 15km in 1.5 hours, I think we are prepped for this:)
Happy Running!

Dripping sweat.

I thought that I might get a second job to save money for the big Europe trip....That all went out the window about an hour ago . I went to a class with Fawn..BodySmart..or Smart Body or something about our bodies..and something about being smart...anyway ..It was great! I am not really an overly sweaty person. Well that all changed tonight. The class was one hour long, one short hour, but it was more than enough. I was so sweaty when we were done the class that my hair felt like I had just jumped out of the Ocean. That is enough for me to want come back every single week.

Something as little as a great sweat makes me really appreciate my life. At the moment that the very first bead of sweat fell down my face I realized that I would be changing my quality of life by taking on a second job. I love having the ability to get off of work and hang out with some great friend, head to the gym, or do whatever I want to. Working a second job would take that away from me. Sure, it would put extra money in my pocket, but money means nothing when you have no time, or friends to enjoy it with.

I will be going to a class every Thursday, it will not put an extra fifty dollars in my pocket, but it will be worth every second.

Cheers!

Let the countdown begin!

Well all of the ladies went to our little meeting about the Paris Marathon! We are all signed up. I am now officially going to Paris in April. We will be fundraising for the Leukemia and Lymphoma society, and training our little butts off.
After our meeting we went for our weekly Sunday run in the forest. It was wonderful. There has been an amazing amount of sunshine this fall, making for some good long weekend runs. The group of girls heading out every week seems to be growing. Liana called yesterday and said that if we were going out on the weekend, that she would for sure be there with us! Nice to know that everybody is out there having fun.
As of right now I have 6500.00 left of fundraising and more than just a few tough runs ahead of me. Wish me good luck!

Rain, Rain go away

Alright, I know that a couple of posts ago I said that I liked running in the rain... I am officially going to take that back. I just went for a horrible run in the rain. I am not very pleased right now, and am wishing that Summer would just come back. I know that it is going to be a very tough Winter training for this marathon...but come on REALLY?!?
I am sitting writing this blog trying to warm up.. After a twenty minute shower I still have goose bumps! My shoes will be wet until at least my next run...when, go figure, I will jump in another huge puddle. OK So I might be a little over dramatic here, but the run was not amazing. I think I just had a rough day, and instead of letting everything go on the run...I held onto all my thoughts and stewed in them.. Not a good idea on a run. Finally I just went into my little running 'zone' and finished the run in peace.
One amazing thing that did happen was a conversation with Fawn. We were talking about our run in Paris, and I made a joke about quitting my job and going to work for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society for Team in Training. Fawn basically told me that I should leave my job and go and do something more in fitness. Fawn said some really nice things about running with me, and has made me think a great deal more about what I am doing with my current job, and what my quality of life might be if I took the plunge and did something that really made me feel good. I clearly am going to have to look into that one a little bit more.
Things that really sucked about the run:
1. it was raining.
2. I ate pizza shortly before the run...no explanation needed.
3. I wore cute boots three days in a row and my body hurt.
4. I was an emotinal wreck.

Things that were awesome about the run.
1. I still got out there and did it
2. I feel bad ass when I finish a run and I know how badly I had to work for it.
3. I got to run with Fawn.
4. it was raining... Ok so that was on the suck list, but deep down I really do love running in the rain.

All signed up!

I signed up for my first Half Marathon. I will run it in 19 days. I am going to hurt.

Five girls, ten feet, 6km

Yesterday I was celebrating part one of my birthday. I went out into the forest with four other girls and went for a run. We will be having a running club. Not a crazy pretentious running club, like I so often see, but real people, that just happen to run. There is not a flash of high end technical gear as we run past, but sweaty women, wearing what happens to feel right. And it did. I really enjoyed the company of running with my ladies, but found no real challenge. I would say that it was a fun run out in the forest, but will not be called a training run. After our run in the forest Megan went out and bought $300.00 worth of new stuff. New runners, that actually feel nice, new pants, that dont ride, and a shirt. I guess this means she is committed! This makes me very excited.

Running at night.

I run at night. Most of the time I end up running by myself. None of my friends seem to like running at night. I started for one reason and one reason only..not due because it was the best time, or that it is when it feels best, but simply because I did not want to be seen. I was afraid that if I ran during the day that people would look at me and wonder why I was running. I didn't want to be the person that was running that really didn't look like a runner. I now know that I look like a runner, I look like I should be out there running. Now I just prefer the night. I wonder if all the other runners that I see out at night share that with me... When I see somebody running during the day, that seems like they might just be starting out, I am a bit envious. They have a confidence that I did not have when I was starting out. Even now, almost a year later I sometimes wonder if I look like I should be out running.. That is when I remember that I really do not care what I look like. I know how I feel when I run, and that is what matters.

For as long as I can remember I have been a troubled sleeper. I wake up normally between five and ten times during the night. I have been to the Doctor for insomnia. Not at all fun. Pills, herbal remedies and everything else shoved my way never seemed to help. I have been running for a year and I can say that on nights that I run I sleep. Not a light sleep, but a zonked out, great dreams, peaceful sleep. It seems like such a small thing, a little bit of extra sleep, but it is something that has made such a difference.

On another note, I went for a five K run tonight. I had a great time, four minutes faster then when I did the identical run last week. I feel good about my time, but not about the run overall. My time was not the only indicator that I should be looking at. My pacing was all over the place. I started out really fast, did the first two K at a great speed, and then I started bombing. I was so much slower at the end of the run. If I would have paced myself a bit at the start I could have had a strong finish, not a brutal one... Oh well what can you do. It felt good either way... I guess that is just one more lesson to be learned.

A run in the forest

Another day and another awesome run. The first thing that happened was not so great, I forgot my chip for my iPod. I work out with Nike + ( love it) and I track all of my progress. I hate it when I forget it, then it doesn't show up online! So now we were off. We didn't have anything to track our progress, and I, of course, was not wearing a watch. So we ran. I cannot say how long we ran for, how many km's we covered but man was it good!
We ran until it felt not so good anymore. Enjoyed the beautiful forest and wonderful company. I felt bad after the run because my running partner was concerned that she was slowing me down. Here is the thing, I would rather run with somebody who tries really hard and has to walk one hundred times, then somebody who has the skill and doesn't try to improve. I am so proud of Fawn and honored to be running next to her. I love that she is next to me while we sweat through the woods.
Another running note: I got a phone call from the man from Team in Training today. It turns out that everything that I was hoping could happen for my time in Paris can! I asked if extra friends could say in the hotel..they can. I asked if I could extend my ticket past just the weekend...yep to that too! My next question was when I could say for certain that I would be a part of Team in Training and the man said that I could officially sign up on November 1st. After that I will have my own fundraising webpage, and can start doing my fundraising activities :)
Beer and burger nights here we come.
One of Megans friends has asked that we go on a run together. I have turned this into a group of women heading out to the forest. I never do anything on a small scale, this is no different. I will probably be heading out with six women for a nice afternoon run this weekend... why not make it an event :)

Running ( swimming) in the rain.

Another day, another five K done. Just one more step on my way to Paris. I am proud of how many times I ran this week. It turns out that I went out five times... Good job to me!

Last night I went running with a gal from work. I was a little sceptical about running with Tracy, as I knew that she would be good. I was pleasantly surprised that we were almost at the same level. Last night was funny though... Tracy does not like the rain, so naturally the sky literally opened up while we were running. I do not think that it would have been appropriate to say that we were running... We were swimming along the seawall! At one point we both turned backwards and started running that way ( easier for being able to see) I love the rain, so I thought it was amazing and loved every second of it.

I am really happy that I have so many awesome people in my life to run with. This is going to make this training period so much fun.

Tomorrow will be a run through the woods near my house. I hate going in there by myself, but now that Fawn is back I will not have to worry about that. We can just run there together now :)

A note about Fawn: Some people do not think that she will end up doing this. At first, I was in the same boat as them. I have officially changed my mind. I can see that she really wants it now. She is not doing this because I have made her think that it is a good idea. She has made the choice and is going to stick to it. I think she is at the same point that I was at last year when I started running. Nothing that anybody said could stop me from wanting to do it. She will rock the show, because now for some reason she really does WANT it.
I am sure I will post tomorrow about the trail run through the most amazing forests EVER! I wonder if I can convince Fawn that at cool 10k is what we should do?.... Time will tell.

A healthy Friday night.

I posted part of my last blog on my facebook page. I wanted to let my friends and family know what I am doing. I wanted to announce to the world my plans. I suppose I  find it harder to fail when I know that people are in my corner cheering me on. I am extremely happy with my choice to do that. I found support from people I really did not think would rally around me. 

   It is really humbling to find out somebody cares, when you wouldn't expect it from them. I guess we never really know what others are thinking, until they allow us in. ( just a nice little random thought to chew on)

   Tonight I went for a run with Fawn.  Simply put, it was amazing! I generally do not love running with others, as I don't seem to get the same stress release, or go into my little running 'zone' .. I still had all the benefits of running by myself, but got to have one of my best friends sweating by my side. 

   Basically I am stoked for training, and even more excited to have such an amazing person running right there with me.  It is going to be a very challenging training period, obviously full of extreme highs and extreme lows, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that six months from now we will find ourselves at the finish line, medals around our necks and drinks in hand.

 

   I will be posting everything training related on my blog... along with all of the other trials and tribulations of my little life.

Paris Marathon April 11th, 2010.

I consider myself to be a runner.. well an avid fast paced jogger... ? Whatever I am, I pound my feet on the pavement a few times a week.
This is very important to me, it is one of the reasons that I am so happy right now. Last year I was fat. Not horribly, but overweight enough to know that I was unhappy and hating myself. I made a choice to change. I did not want to be the girl that sits on the couch with a pillow hiding her body. I did not want to be ashamed.
Learning to run was one of the single best things that I have done for myself recently. It has given me goals, a sense of accomplishment and has helped me shed the unwanted pounds. I cannot say enough of how fond I am of running. This leads me to my next life goal...
I will run the Paris Marathon April 11th, 2010. There, I said it...I threw it out to the world. I am going to train three or four times a week with running.(with some cross training thrown in...)It is my goal. Right now I can run 10k...so what is the big deal about adding 32k right?...
The top ten reasons that I want to run the Paris Marathon:

1. Running saves me from me.
2. Running makes me feel awesome and helps me sort out my life.
3. I am doing it for charity ( Leukemia and Lymphoma Society)
4. It is in Paris.
5. A year ago this was NOT something I felt could be a goal.
6. Because I believe that I can.
7. Because my friends and family support me.
8. It is in Paris ( yes I know that was number 4)
9. Because I have already thought of how crossing the finish line would feel.
10.Because no interesting challenges have appeared on craigslist recently.

Here I go... wish me good luck.

Time

Time keeps slipping away and playing tricks on my life.

One night to push and scream

I am a crazy alien sometimes. I don't know what comes over me, but I turn into a crazy person.

Falling letters

TheBeautifulDisaster is a combination of things I want to say out lout, but am afraid to whisper. It is things I have learned, and others I wish to understand. It is complex, silly and utterly truthful, as I know it to be. Love it, hate it, it is who I am.

I have been cluttered lately. My mind, my apartment, my emotions. Every aspect of who I am has been shrouded lately. Purging is what I have been doing. I threw away half of my possessions last night. Half my shoes, my clothes, my books, my pictures. Drowning with stuff. With that purging always does bring a certain level of binge though.Past loves, past lusts, goals never reached, or worse goals reached that mean little. Looking at the past and realizing that I am clueless. Depressing and liberating all at the same time.I found a note that I wrote last night. It was to my flat mate. It was simple and to the point. ” Out hiking with Joe” then his number. It was our first date and I was worried that he might kill me. I left his number in the event that I was murdered. Joe was a great guy and I never gave him the chance that he deserved. I never opened myself up to him. I failed him. I came to this realization because I couldn’t find any clean clothes and I wanted to clean my room.Time is cruel. We never have the epiphany when we need it. It always comes too late. After the damage has been done and the wounds have healed. Once the hurt has subsided and the tears no longer matter. So now I have clean socks. Hardly seems worth it.